Arsenal To Sign “The Wizard” And “The Rock”

By Arsenal Ted
In Arsenal
Aug 15th, 2014

Greetings Homo-sapiens and you in the back there with the abnormally large forehead. I, Ted, have once again returned to keep you up to date with the most important of Arsenal news and scuttlebutt.

Important information has reached my hypersensitive ears and I have temporarily put on hold my attempts to train kitten kats as ninja assassins, which is going surprisingly well – their cute mewing which I originally thought to be a hindrance to their stealthiness has proven to be a nefariously deviant ploy to lull their marks into a state of relax before they pounce with thrusting intent.

Much has been made of Arsene Wenger’s maneuvers in the transfer market with the signing of a fellow League of Shadows alumnus, Alexis Sanchez, the pick of the bunch. To the chagrin of a few incessant complainers who shall be vaporised should their antics continue, Arsenal are yet to sign a recognised defensive midfielder and striker of world-renown.

Fear not my dear comrades of the Order of Arsenalius, for rumours are abound that Arsenal are to sign Carvalho and Cavani amongst others. Indeed, on this very day, our spiritual leader has confirmed he is open to more business.

The world of rumours is murky and fraught with danger but allow me to illuminate the path of righteousness and burning wrath and disambiguate these titillating whispers.

Arsenal is, in fact, due to sign no less than four names of such epic proportions even the great Ted in the sky quivers at the mere thought.

Many players have earned monikers and hypocorisms likening their majesty on the pitch to wizardry but Arsenal has gone one step further and enlisted the services of an actual Wizard whom for copyright reasons I will refer to as Dangalf. He will be a giant amongst the shire folk of Cazorla, Wilshere and Sanchez and will protect his great friend the Tree Ent Mertesacker as our new defensive midfielder. I hear he is quite good at stopping Hell Beasts like Didier Balrog and his motto is “You Shall Not Pass…. Or I’ll break your f*cking legs, you melt”. What more could you want from a defensive midfielder really?

Replacing our old club captain and third choice centre-back is going to be a challenge, for huge clubs searched high and low for a player of quality and Vermaelen was the one they found. The answer lies with a previously unknown American defender named Dwayne Johnson who was recommended to Arsenal by KGB (Kroenke, Gazidis, Bould) spy, Thierry Henry. He is nicknamed “The Rock” for his defensive attributes but also answers to “The Scorpion King” as he is famed for his Higuita-esque last ditch saves. Check out his skills on YouTube, or buy him on Football Manager, he’s totally worth it.

And finally, up front a name of superstar quality has been cacophonously demanded for many a year and those calls might just have been answered. Only the best will do and to be the best you must be able to brush “The Rock” aside, for only then can you truly claim to be unstoppable. Who better to lead Arsenal’s strike force than the Ethereal Being whom pass move past a rock before anyone knows about it? That’s right, Arsenal are in advanced talks to sign none other than Jesus Christ.

Arsenal supporters desiderium for a striker of supreme talent has been evidenced over many years by their regular calls for a superstar and the harmonious chant of “Jesus Christ” whenever Giroud misses a chance. If contract talks go well over the next few days then Arsenal should be welcoming the celestial talents of “Jesus Christ Superstar”, also known as “Jesus Christ Fenton”.

With a team boasting these talents there is a strong chance Arsenal could win the coveted Fair Play Award this season, maybe more!

Now I have sufficiently updated you and graced you with my lambent wit I shall bid you adieu as the kitten kats are hungry and I fear they may eat the hostages if I don’t feed them soon. I hope my information has brought you some equanimity and you can relax.

Stay cuddly. Ted out.

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About "" - 11 Posts

Teddy Bear Gooner. Misanthrope. Lover of fine cheeses and fish suppers. Hates trousers. Purveyor of recalcitrance. Prone to profane outbursts and seemingly random acts of violence. I see weird things others don't.

13 Responses to “Arsenal To Sign “The Wizard” And “The Rock””

  1. ButtFlaps says:

    You not make sense!!! Waste of time to read! #PURCHASE_REUS!!!

  2. proudgooner says:

    Hello Ted,
    First it is good to hear some different names mentioned by yourself i don’t know your source and won’t ask you to tell me. Il just say going on your excitment i believe you and also you clearly rate the players so i hope you are right.
    Secondly can you train my cat these ninja skills? He is about 7 now but he is a huge ginger beast boy. The problem is since falling out with the neighbours they have threatened to do him in. They are just crazy enough to do it to. Needless to say if they do they will have to stop my ninja skills but i would rather it did not come to that and he could fend them off himself. lol sadly all is true!

  3. Arty says:

    Ha ha…. Nice one.

  4. Dave Highbury says:


  5. Nigerian Gooner says:

    O! Ted, u just made my Arsenalius day. What with the hogwash on all other sites. On your ninja kittens, could you possibly help train my little elephant? He’s just six months old and wow, he’s way too agile. Thanks for making me read something so differently sweet.

    • Arsenal Ted says:

      Elephants are not suitable for ninja training however I can train your elephant in the ancient art of Jeet Kune Do and teach him to Bruce Lee the fuck out of anyone that fucks with you.

  6. proudgooner says:

    That is ad news indeed. The good news is he is defo the toughest cat in the hood, il just haft to hope my teachings and his instincts are enough to fend of the neighbours.
    Talking of tough cats, a DM is clearly every Gooners biggest wish along with a CB . I hope your man is as brutal as described.
    COYG 3 points please
    Oh have you heard the rummor that Alex Song is going to Liverpool for £8m. What do you make of that? would you have him back at Arsenal?

  7. Crook says:

    Your writing style is that of a middle school brat trying to impress the teacher. More content, less bullshit next time, kid.

  8. Steveo says:

    I’d expect such drivel to appear in a schoolboy’s jotter. A poor attempt at humour. Try harder or quit, but stop wasting everyone’s time. Or concentrate on your GCSEs.

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