Arsenal To Sign “The Wizard” And “The Rock”
Greetings Homo-sapiens and you in the back there with the abnormally large forehead. I, Ted, have once again returned to keep you up to date with the most important of Arsenal news and scuttlebutt.
Important information has reached my hypersensitive ears and I have temporarily put on hold my attempts to train kitten kats as ninja assassins, which is going surprisingly well – their cute mewing which I originally thought to be a hindrance to their stealthiness has proven to be a nefariously deviant ploy to lull their marks into a state of relax before they pounce with thrusting intent.
Much has been made of Arsene Wenger’s maneuvers in the transfer market with the signing of a fellow League of Shadows alumnus, Alexis Sanchez, the pick of the bunch. To the chagrin of a few incessant complainers who shall be vaporised should their antics continue, Arsenal are yet to sign a recognised defensive midfielder and striker of world-renown.
Fear not my dear comrades of the Order of Arsenalius, for rumours are abound that Arsenal are to sign Carvalho and Cavani amongst others. Indeed, on this very day, our spiritual leader has confirmed he is open to more business.
The world of rumours is murky and fraught with danger but allow me to illuminate the path of righteousness and burning wrath and disambiguate these titillating whispers.
Arsenal is, in fact, due to sign no less than four names of such epic proportions even the great Ted in the sky quivers at the mere thought.
Many players have earned monikers and hypocorisms likening their majesty on the pitch to wizardry but Arsenal has gone one step further and enlisted the services of an actual Wizard whom for copyright reasons I will refer to as Dangalf. He will be a giant amongst the shire folk of Cazorla, Wilshere and Sanchez and will protect his great friend the Tree Ent Mertesacker as our new defensive midfielder. I hear he is quite good at stopping Hell Beasts like Didier Balrog and his motto is “You Shall Not Pass…. Or I’ll break your f*cking legs, you melt”. What more could you want from a defensive midfielder really?
Replacing our old club captain and third choice centre-back is going to be a challenge, for huge clubs searched high and low for a player of quality and Vermaelen was the one they found. The answer lies with a previously unknown American defender named Dwayne Johnson who was recommended to Arsenal by KGB (Kroenke, Gazidis, Bould) spy, Thierry Henry. He is nicknamed “The Rock” for his defensive attributes but also answers to “The Scorpion King” as he is famed for his Higuita-esque last ditch saves. Check out his skills on YouTube, or buy him on Football Manager, he’s totally worth it.
And finally, up front a name of superstar quality has been cacophonously demanded for many a year and those calls might just have been answered. Only the best will do and to be the best you must be able to brush “The Rock” aside, for only then can you truly claim to be unstoppable. Who better to lead Arsenal’s strike force than the Ethereal Being whom pass move past a rock before anyone knows about it? That’s right, Arsenal are in advanced talks to sign none other than Jesus Christ.
Arsenal supporters desiderium for a striker of supreme talent has been evidenced over many years by their regular calls for a superstar and the harmonious chant of “Jesus Christ” whenever Giroud misses a chance. If contract talks go well over the next few days then Arsenal should be welcoming the celestial talents of “Jesus Christ Superstar”, also known as “Jesus Christ Fenton”.
With a team boasting these talents there is a strong chance Arsenal could win the coveted Fair Play Award this season, maybe more!
Now I have sufficiently updated you and graced you with my lambent wit I shall bid you adieu as the kitten kats are hungry and I fear they may eat the hostages if I don’t feed them soon. I hope my information has brought you some equanimity and you can relax.
Stay cuddly. Ted out.
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