Gooners Paradise – A Lyrical Disgrace

By Daniel Cowan
In Arsenal
Mar 8th, 2013
18 Comments

It’s been a while. In fact, it has been over a month since I last wrote something for North London Is Red and I had a huge epic piece planned but something happened to me last night and it gave birth to this post.

I’m not sure why I am opening myself up to ridicule like this but I had a dream about this blog. I don’t know why but I found myself humming “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio the other day and I woke up this morning with an almost complete “Arsenal” version that I had dreamt.

This is very different from what I would usually write and I’m still not sure why I am posting it but I can’t stop my fingers from typing! Please don’t judge me too harshly 😉

Dangerous Minds

Dangerous Minds

Gooners Paradise

As I walk from the tube on my way to the game
I take a look at table and realise things aren’t the same
Cause we’ve been off the pace for so long,
Even when we win they say there’s something wrong
We ain’t never won a cup when we didn’t deserve it
Arsenal buying trophies up you know that’s unheard of
Beware the effect of what you’re doing, unsupporting and the booing
You might just drink the poison that you’re brewing
I really hate to trip but it’s got me worried
When Arsenal croak, I see Gooners in the pistol smoke, fool
City is a club the little Wobbies wanna be like
On their knees in the night saying prayers to the Sheikh-types

Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise

Look at the situation, path we are embracing
We can’t run a proper club, if we’re raised by the pocket pleats
So we gotta build up with a good team
Too much rebuilding, watching it pushing back our dreams
We had uneducated fools with money on their minds
Didn’t play for the cause and waved us goodbye
Pissed off Gooners, sharpening the hanger
They want to sack Wenger, misplacing all their anger, fool
Trophies ain’t nothing but a man or two away,
Choose to keep the faith, do or don’t, what can I say
10 to go, will we be in the top 4
The way reams are booing I don’t know

Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the boos are hurting Arsenal FC

Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise

Power and the money, money and the power
We could have both but the football would be dour
Backs against the wall, with only half of them replying
Culprits get away by case of sanctifying
Some really hate the gaffer, some players they abhor them
Calling themselves Gooners, Then why don’t they support them?
I guess they can’t, I guess they won’t
Even if we won they’d just put it down to luck, fool

Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise

Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the boos are hurting Arsenal FC
Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the boos are hurting Arsenal FC

I know right…. You’re probably thinking “what the hell was that?”. To be honest with you, I really don’t know. It just sort of happened, forgive me.

I’m going to ask you to forgive me once more as I explain what some of the lyrics meant because I can already see some of the comments I’ll get and I want to pre-emptively respond to them.

You might just drink the poison that you’re brewing – I have long felt that the negative atmosphere at some games or ones that develop actually hinder the team. Players all say they perform better when the supporters are behind them. I believe that continued negativity will help to push the team further away from honours and champions league spots and into mid-table obscurity. This also gave birth to the line When Arsenal croak, I see Gooners in the pistol smoke.

City is a club the little Wobbies wanna be like, On their knees in the night saying prayers to the Sheikh-types – I guess this is quite self-explanatory. Some supporters want Arsenal to sell out and rely on a rich benefactor. I don’t.

If we don't get a benefactor this is what we'll have to stoop to

If we don’t get a benefactor we’ll have to be out collecting 6 days a week

We can’t run a proper club, if we’re raised by the pocket pleats, So we gotta build up with a good team – We can’t rely on a benefactor so we have to live within our means. Sadly we haven’t been able to keep up with other teams due to our relatively low commercial income from deals made to facilitate the Emirates move. Over the years EPL sponsorship has improved dramatically and we have been unable to take advantage of it. However things are changing. We have a healthy bank balance and new deals kicking in and being negotiated. There are no more excuses so this summer should see a number of quality arrivals. I’m sure most are hoping for players like Götze and Falcao among others but I would prefer a few arrivals from the EPL.

I have blogged before on the importance of buying from the same league. It weakens your opponents by as much as it strengthens you, thus doubling the difference in strength/talent as we have seen from United this season with that Dutch bloke.

That said, only one of the players I am going to suggest would really weaken a “competitor”. I’m all for bringing in a new goalkeeper, have been for ages. I have mostly been in favour of bringing in an experienced keeper so as not to impede Szczesny but I feel I have been a little hypocritical there as I have previously said that we should buy the best we can and ignore “killing” younger players as if those players are good enough they will find a way into the team. Some rumours suggest that Valdes is looking for a new challenge and a player of that calibre and age would be perfect for me to protect the goal and jolly along Wojciech but I’m now more in favour of taking someone younger.

Dominant

Dominant

Sadly we cannot have Joe Hart (who I like for his dominance a little more than his ability) to boost our British contingent so I would like Begovic. In my opinion, he is vastly superior to Szczesny and in the top 3 keepers in the league. I don’t think we have a snowball’s chance of getting him but he’d be my choice. Losing him would weaken Stoke but their average league position makes them of no consequence to our ambition but it might mean relegation (one can only dream).

I’d love to have Jagielka at the club and this would weaken a rival for the top 4. His arrival could see Vermaelen or Koscielny pushed into that DM role as suggest by others and whilst it’s not something I am totally against I would prefer them to stay in defence.

Other players in the premier league that have been linked with us that I’d take for talent and for knowledge of the league and thus like the others mentioned, the ability to make an immediate impact are Benteke, Williams, Michu (will never happen) and Schneiderlin (I admit to knowing nothing more about this chap than what I have seen on highlights and this blog from GoonerDave66)

A leader

A leader

If we’re not buying from the EPL this summer then apart from Falcao, Jovetic and maybe El Shaarawy I’d only want us to buy from the Bundesliga. I’d love to see Howedes (yes, over Hummels who I like but feel is slightly overrated), Piszczek, Rode, Adler and Großkreutz. I wouldn’t mind Kroos, Lewandowski, Reus and Müller but we’d have no chance. Enough of this dreaming, I’m starting to drool.

We had uneducated fools with money on their minds, Didn’t play for the cause and waved us goodbye – You know the ones. They wanted more money and left under the guise of trophies. If they were intelligent they would have realised that by leaving us they helped cause the situation of perpetual rebuilding. If they stay then new signings are for strength not for balance.

Pissed off Gooners, sharpening the hanger, They want to sack Wenger, misplacing all their anger – A hanger is a cutlass like sword in case you were wondering. It would be weird if people were sharpening coat-hangers. I also feel that anger towards Wenger is sometimes misplaced. Just my opinion.

You can't put your coat on this

You can’t put your coat on this

Culprits get away by case of sanctifying – There are some players who have been set apart from the others and have been absolved of all existing and future sin. They are untouchable and free from criticism. Others, however, are blamed for things that weren’t even their fault and this causes confidence issues when that player feels harangued by the support.

So there we are. My lyrical disgrace and weirdest post to date.

My apologies to you dear reader and my profound apologies to Mr Coolio.

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About "" - 473 Posts

I am a South London born Gooner now living in Leigh-On-Sea, Essex. I'm a husband, daddy, podcaster, trainer enthusiast and aspiring author. My work is my passion and for that I will always be grateful. Here is where I write my thoughts and views on Arsenal Football Club, the greatest team the world has ever seen.

18 Responses to “Gooners Paradise – A Lyrical Disgrace”

  1. Loved this, mate. Keep dreaming!

  2. kp7 says:

    Top stuff!

  3. Aravinth says:

    Will be a gooner forever. Good article.

  4. charvakan says:

    Great stuff. Genius never apologizes!

    I like the direction Wenger is taking the club, with the young Brits forming a strong foundation complemented by talented foreign players. His vision is fine; it’s his tactical nous that is lacking in recent years. If he can’t find staff that can correct this, or if he won’t listen to them, he can’t take us over the line.

    Don’t knock players for wanting more money. They have a limited time to make the most of their talent, and could lose form or be hurt at any time. If Nasri or RvP could double their salaries by leaving, that’s their call and their right. The salary structure at AFC is why it’s viable. If a player becomes so good that he’s worth 150k pounds a week somewhere else, AFC pockets the transfer fee and avoids the yearly salary hit. The wage bill comes from overpaying the young and the lame–lots of them–in hopes they blossom for us. It hasn’t been a raging success, but there’s been some bad luck in there too. And we make a profit.

  5. george says:

    Loved the lyrics, must say this post made my day. Peace out mate!

  6. Sav from Australia says:

    BRILLIANT!

    No need to apoligise. It came to you a dream eh? Amazing!

    • Daniel Cowan says:

      Yeah, I actually dreamt I was a rapper and I was performing at the Emirates. I remembered most of the lyrics when I woke so quickly wrote them down.

  7. This shiz is on point. I love Arsenal and just had so much fun singing the lyrics to myself! HAHA. Keep the posts comming!

  8. This was fantastic! I was going to write a post about the Catch 22 of the boo boys, but didn’t want to add negativity to the negativity 😉
    Great points, especially about buying from inside the League. Or buying Thomas Muller. As you said, never gonna happen, but I think I’d throw a party if it did.

  9. g says:

    Great post, glad to see you’re coming round to Begovic 🙂

  10. goonerdave66 says:

    Did not see till just now so had not see Begovic suggestion. I think we discussed it anyway. Good stuff

  11. I practically bowled over laughing, rotfl. On a more serious not, your post does make one think. Your pick -Begovic- is same as @goonerdav66, just read his blog also. Let’s hope we have more sense in this transfer window. Up the Cannon!

    • Daniel Cowan says:

      Had been speaking re Begovic with my dad for weeks. He said buy him, I said get someone older to help Szczesny along. I agree with my dad now.

  12. CG says:

    What I’d give to actually hear you spit those bars! Top post! Although I think Begovic doesn’t look good for Scez prospects, I can’t see AW doing it and if we must buy from Stoke, Sorensen is about as good and he’s got the much needed experience.

    • Daniel Cowan says:

      I always hoped we’d buy experience to help Szczesny along but I’ve given up on that. I just want the best possible players we can afford. If Woj is good enough he’ll make it back into the team.

  13. Hi Daniel

    Loved reading your articles. We would love it if you would also post your articles to http://www.fanalistas.co.uk, a new site for fan journalists/bloggers like you. We can automatically import your articles to your fanalistas profile and then link back to your blog giving your work exposure to our growing online community. I have no doubt that your Arsenal coverage would attract a lot of readers with us.

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    James

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