Bayern Are Already Finished and They Don’t Even Know It

By Daniel Cowan
In Arsenal
Mar 13th, 2013

Today I am delighted to welcome, what is a real coup, the most original and talented blogger on the Arsenal blogging scene, @PoznanInMyPants , as a guest blogger to North London Is Red. Paul usually blogs on his site PoznanInMyPants but I’ve managed to kidnap him and force him to write for NLIR under the threat of torture. He’s a bit sadistic so that didn’t work and I had to promise to torture him some more to get him to write for me. Take it away Paul…

Bayern Are Already Fucked and They Don’t Even Know It

I just listened to Arsene’s ArsenalPlayer interview on Bayern…and I think he’s right. Bayern ARE fucked.

We have them right where we want them, those poor bastards.

You know that bit in the movie where the cavalry chase down a group of Indians towards the river so that they trapped for the slaughter. Well that was the 1st leg at the Emirates.


Then as they come over the top of a hill they discover a massive army of Indians lying in wait to slaughter the cavalry. Well, that’s the 2nd leg at the Allianz with the away goals rule lying in wait.


Bull Tipping

Cow Tipping

Ever done any cow tipping? Maybe cows don’t impress you because we are facing Bayern. Well I’ve done a spot of Bull Tipping. Ah, a bit more impressed are you?! Well, you shouldn’t be. It works the same way as cow tipping. The bull is asleep on his feet, you sneak up, and a couple of you push him over. It’s the same as cow tipping (except for the running away like buggery.) That’s basically what we’ll be doing with Bayern. Just look what their players said about us having no chance, and about them being already qualified. The bull is sleeping, my friends. The bull is sleeping. We just need to tip it over.

Away Goals

Our confidence should be soaring based on Tuesday’s results. Schalke, one of the BL powerhouses was dumped out by a small Turkish team that included our ex-jester Eboue as well as that clapped-out Chelsea striker, Drogba, who got run out of China. And needing away goals, they got way more than they needed.

Similarly, Barcelona, regarded as the best team on the continent, used away goals to thrash an unassailable AC Milan.

Generally this away goals thing seems to be a bit of a scam. I don’t fully understand it, but apparently our goals will be worth twice Bayern’s, so we should definitively try to take advantage of this, though it does seem a bit unfair. Seems too good to be true, but that’s what happened with Barca and the Turks on Tuesday. So, apparently, it is true. And teams needing away goals in the 2nd leg always win. This week.

Bayern << Barcelona << Arsenal

Barcelona, who are rated at least as highly as Bayern play a similar style of football as ourselves. They used to be called Arsenal-lite, and as you may remember have been buying our players, no matter how shit, until recently. Now factor in the fact that we have evolved for another couple of years since we last played them and were a Bendtner toe-poke from beating them on away goals and we have made a series of shrewd player purchases and transfers since then and you can see why we should rate ourselves ahead of Barcelona and therefore ahead of Bayern.

Do you need further proof? Recent transfer interest has the boot on the other way foot with both David Villa, their striker!! and Victor Valdes, their goalkeeper!! issuing “Come and GET ME” statements to Arsenal.

We should also take heart from the last match against Bayern, since we heard that going into it, Bayern had allowed only 1 shot on goal in the last 3 Bundesliga matches in total. Yes, let me repeat that. They allowed 1 SHOT on goal. In THREE games. A third of a shot on goal per game. No goals mind you. I heard how awful we were from twitter after the Bayern game. But how did we match up to their Bundesliga opponents? 6 shots on goal. 1 actual goal. And I hear Giroud should have put away a superb cross from Theo with just the keeper to beat which would have made it 2-2. Anywhere but straight at the keeper would have done, said the commentator. Anywhere but at the keeper.

Lord Haw Haw

Lord Haw Haw

So this time around, Bayern have completely bought into the “Wlishere, Podolski, Sagna injuries crisis” disinformation we’ve been sending out. Jack’s Doppelganger in Dubai worked a treat. Rumours of sending the kids and the B-team have taken root. Gooners faked a superb Twitter meltdown yesterday to add a convincing touch. The British media patriotically added authentic looking stories. Meanwhile, Wenger isplaying Fabianski instead of Szczesny. Brilliant. Fabianski makes completely different kinds of mistakes to Szczesny. That will throw Bayern off completely.  He’s a cute whore, that Arsene, as they say in Dublin. Take that as payback for Lord Haw Haw, Munich. They’ll get a nice little surprise when they see our team sheet.


Through my sources, I hear that this time round we have done extensive scouting/spy work. This has resulted in valuable, “Intel” (which is short for Intelligence.) Apparently, their right back, Phileeep Lamb, is not only a decent defender, he also likes to get forward occasionally, so we should try to watch out for that. Knowing this gives us the upper hand. We are, by all accounts, even thinking of playing a Left Back at left back in this tie. (And they say Wenger doesn’t do tactics.)

The Game Plan That Beats Bayern

So really, the plan is brilliantly simple. They think we are going to attack because Wenger has told them that endlessly for the last few days. So, obviously they actually think we won’t attack. So we will attack.

Phase 1: Attack, attack, attack. First goal wins this because of the away goals rule. So it’s basically 50/50 who goes through. We go balls out for a goal. Bayern are not going to sit back and defend due to their arrogance so they’ll come at us too. So there it is. 50/50. Let’s assume we can get the first goal. On to phase 2.

Phase 2: We sit back and stay compact with 2 rows of 8. They will now definitely charge onto our cannons since we have a lead with still 70 mins to play. We hit them on the break again and again while keeping our defense impenetrable. Eventually they crack. We score off a corner like the last game. Their keeper isn’t called “Manuel” for nothing. It’s 2-0. Now they really are rattled.

Phase 3: Just like phase 2, we stay compact and look for a 3rd on the break. If we haven’t got it with 15 mins to go till we get that goal. 3-0.

Phase 4: Extra time: We stay compact and play for penalties.

Phase 5: Penalties

Germans Always Win On Penalties. Brits Always Lose

Playing for penalties?!! Who in their right mind plays for penalties against the Germans? We do. Because we know something they don’t. Germans always win on penalties and we’re going to have more Germans taking penos than they are. They’ll put Robben, Mandžukić and maybe even Martinez into their penalty line-up. Suckers! But we’re going balls out with our Germans: Podolski, Mertesacker and then Eisfeld, Gnabry and Leander Siemann who we brought off the bench just before the end of Extra Time. Yes, there really is a plan to send the kids.

If required for a 6th peno, we will use Rosicky, the Dortmunder from the Sudetenland. But we won’t need him. Because there will have been 5 Germans taking penalties for us before him.

And so we go through 5-2 by playing for penalties thanks to away goals. It doesn’t seem fair. Very un-Arsenal. But today we do tactics. Sneaky ones.

Thanks Paul, that was a seriously awesome piece of writing. I still can’t believe I’ve managed to lure you over here…. I’ll get the whips back out as promised. Thanks for reading guys and helping me support my fellow Gooner bloggers. Please do leave your comments and don’t forget to click that follow button!

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About "" - 509 Posts

I am a South London born Gooner now living in Leigh-On-Sea, Essex. I'm a husband, daddy, podcaster, trainer enthusiast and aspiring author. My work is my passion and for that I will always be grateful. Here is where I write my thoughts and views on Arsenal Football Club, the greatest team the world has ever seen.

12 Responses to “Bayern Are Already Finished and They Don’t Even Know It”

  1. G says:

    Great dream !! if only dreams came true 🙂

  2. koye says:

    You have said yours. But I would remind you come tomorrow of how disgraceful our defence has been cuz bayern would maul us like they did at the emirates. We don’t have the winning mentality like they do also we don’t have wilshere the best wizard in an Arsenal shirt so far. Obrigado

  3. benjyshow says:

    Got my adrenalin racing…wish it will come true !!!

  4. Keelan twomey says:

    Are you forgetting the 3 away goals they have that count for double aswell…?

  5. Unathi says:

    Lol well written mate. Some of us are still positive. We weren’t that bad at the Emirates as people suggest. They missing few key players as well. However Arsenal needs a hero.

  6. pedantic george says:

    Why would there be penalties at 3 nil?

  7. Adeniyi muideen says:

    Gud, but what u say doesnt mata as much as what u do. Do u av fate in this squad up to that level ?

  8. crazeemunky says:


    *also, those commenting negative and/or *realistic* comments. oh god, it’s like the blog wasn’t funny enough and god wanted me to laugh more!

  9. robin says:

    Poz, I like your optimism however, if wishes were Ferraris, Arsenal fans would ride.

  10. OMGArsenal says:

    Poznan……what a laugh, we needed that to prepare us for the worst or maybe the impossible. Regardless, you are my type of Gooner….if you are one! LOL
    By the way, the away goal rule is that, should the two match final be tied at the end of 180 minutes (2 games), the team who scored the most away goals advances, since each away goal they scored counts for 2 goals. So right now Bayern lead us 6-1 on away goals. If we score 3 away goals and they score 0, the total 180 minute result would be 4-3 and we advance. If we score 2 away goals and they score none, they advance based on having scored 3 away goals, even though the score is tied. If we score 3 and they score 1, then we go to two 15 minute playoff rounds and if no goals are scored, each team takes 5 alternating penalties, if still tied, then alternating individual penalties until one team misses and the other scores. Simple isn’t it?

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