Arsenal To Sign Basel Defender, to be Schar to be Schar

By Daniel Cowan
In Arsenal
Nov 28th, 2013

Arsenal are looking to make a January move for Basel defender Fabian Schar.

Here is everything you need to know about this future Arsenal star.

Fabian was born in Nova Scotia in 1951 to Nigerian mother Temiloluwa and Dutch father Wim.

Temiloluwa came from a poor family who due to political unrest were unable to work on their diamond farm. During her teen years as a backpacker through Canada she met shoemaker Wim who was sourcing wood at Toronto Timber Yard.

Schar Family Home

After a whirlwind romance Wim and Temi were married in 1977 and conceived Fabian soon after.

Named after the famous astronaut John Fabian, young Schar went on to excel in home economics at school producing what Balderdash Academy’s headmistress described as “the best damned Jam Roly Poly I’ve ever fucking tasted”.

After a successful career in producing stodgy puddings and 5 Michelin stars later, Fabian decided to try his hand at his greatest passion…. After failing to make it as a dancer in the gay burlesque scene he decided to try football.

Fabian’s signature dish

Aged 36 he migrated to Belgium to sign his first professional football contract with Beveren. After scoring 78 goals in his first 4 games as a goalkeeper, despite having played no minutes at all, he was spotted by a large French club and moved to Lyon to play for local team Newcastle United. Ligue 1 manager of the year Alain Pardeaux described him as “La meilleure signature que j’ai jamais fait”.

After 8 successful years at Newcastle, winning three historic trebles in a row and finishing as top scorer in the league, providing 82 assists for himself along the way, he was signed by Greek side Basel.

Fabian Schar impressed on his Champions League debut, scoring 17 goals in the final against 9 times winners Chelsea. This prompted Arsenal manager Iain Dowie to put in a £89m bid for Schar, surpassing the previous record of £86m paid by Bayern Munich for Andros Townsend.


Schar is quoted on as turning down bigger offers from other clubs such as Hull and Partick Thistle to join Arsenal and play under the tutelage of Gary Megson.

Here are some little know facts about Schar:

  • Schar is the world record holder for how many marshmallows he can fit in his mouth whilst saying “fluffy bunnies”, with an impressive 7253.
  • Aged 7, Fabian Schar composed intricate works of classical music. Being a generous and altruistic soul he allowed the three fingered slow kid in his piano class to take the credit. Today millions of people are familiar with the works of “Mozart”.
  • In his spare time Schar likes to translate the works of Shakespeare into Inuit and Klingon.
  • Schar can speak 0.65 languages.
  • Fabian has never been booked for a two footed challenge despite making over 7000 tackles and only being 24 inches tall.
  • Schar is Kanu’s biological father.
  • The film franchise “Saw” is a loose interpretation of Schar’s pre-school years.
  • After an unfortunate incident with a carrot, questionable turnip and a randy badger Schar is now banned from all National Trust sites.
  • Fabian is the third signatory on the American Declaration of Independence.
  • Schar likes to spend his free time invading small, defenceless countries with rich oil deposits.
  • Schar has won 7 Oscars for his writing contributions to TOWIE.
  • He is the worlds foremost authority on hamster rearing.
  • Schar credits his footballing success to his agent, @ArsenalTed, who first spotted his talents on YouTube
  • Aged 9 Schar invented a cold fusion generator and uses it to power the atmosphere controller in his private gallery of prized collectible Cindy dolls.
  • Schar has an extreme dislike for inaccuracy
  • Fabian counted to infinity, twice (@Daithihere)

I bet you can’t wait to see him in Arsenal colours! As Europe’s leading expert on Schar I can exclusively reveal that everything in this article is factually accurate. Feel free to send in your Schar facts if I have missed any out!

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About "" - 508 Posts

I am a South London born Gooner now living in Leigh-On-Sea, Essex. I'm a husband, daddy, podcaster, trainer enthusiast and aspiring author. My work is my passion and for that I will always be grateful. Here is where I write my thoughts and views on Arsenal Football Club, the greatest team the world has ever seen.

8 Responses to “Arsenal To Sign Basel Defender, to be Schar to be Schar”

  1. WalleeGunner says:

    This just put a smile on my face. @Poznaninmypants esque

    • Daniel Cowan says:

      Thanks. I’ll take that as the compliment it was intended to be although I do try to be myself 🙂

  2. Bernard says:

    Daniel Clownan, nice piece. Only should have been titled the hallucinations of an expectant father. Will save it and show to your son when he turns six! Haha!

    • Daniel Cowan says:

      Haha. I have written stuff like this before, long before we were expecting 🙂 I’m not a very serious guy although I tend to keep that side of personality out of my blogging as my sense of humour is a bit strange.

  3. wenkev02 says:

    Read this the other day…really liked it….Like your new layout too…

  4. naijagooner says:

    Just read this today. Had me in stitches. Like your sense of humor. Kudos

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