Update For RvP – Parody

By Daniel Cowan
In Arsenal
Apr 27th, 2013

This is an update for Robin van Persie about our current situation. We have kept quiet all this time out of respect and loyalty for the club and as agreed with Mr. Wenger, but since there is so much speculation in the media, we think it is fair for you to know what’s really going on at the moment.

As announced earlier this week, your new club have won the league title which is what you claimed you left Arsenal for.  As is customary you and your new club are due a guard of honour at the Emirates this weekend. Mr. Wenger has called for respect and this was discussed at a recent Arsenal supporters meeting. Wishing you well and respecting your achievement was not discussed, since that is not our priority at all.

You personally have had a great season but our goal has been to win trophies with a loyal team and to bring the club back to its glory days. Out of our huge respect for Mr. Wenger, the players and the club we don’t want to go into any details, but unfortunately in this meeting it has again become clear to us that we in many aspects disagree on the way your despicable, conniving, disloyal, snide face should be received at the Emirates this weekend.

We’ve thought long and hard about it, but have decided not to extend our respect or guard of honour to you, just you. You Robin, the asshat, have of course the right to disagree with our views and decisions and we will always treat you with the same contempt and petulance that the little boy inside you treated us with.

We love the club, truly, and the players, no matter what happens. We have grown up and become men during our time as Arsenal FC supporters. Everybody at the club and the players have always had our support over the years and we have always given them our all regardless of how much time they spent in the treatment room not contributing on the pitch or in prison cells whilst everyone else sang nasty songs about them. We are very proud of being part of this fantastic club for life and sticking with it through thick and thin because “winning a trophy with any other team than Arsenal would mean nothing”. As soon as Mr. Gazidis gets the go ahead further team strengthening will follow and we will update you as to the history-making and legendary status you frivolously discarded and signpost you to the festering heap of broken promises and soulless accolades you consigned yourself to when you refused to pay your debt to the club that gave you everything.

All of that is clearly a joke so please don’t take it too seriously. He’s gone, it’s over and we should move on. The first time he is returning to his former home is/was always going to be tough and emotions will of course run high and having to give him a guard of honour on his first return visit does sting but it will be over quickly enough and we can put the entire thing to bed.

Obviously the whole business with Robin is quite a negative affair and we’ll get plenty of “you’re just bitter” comments from the Kent Manchester United supporters. And let’s be fair, they have earned the right to call us bitter because they never complained about City winning the title in Fergie time last season nor did they complain when Barca beat them in the CL final nor did they make bitter comments about Arsenal winning the 2005 FA Cup on penalties. So, giving a guard of honour to the player who once dreamed of being an Arsenal player will hurt but there are some positives to think on:

With RvP, Nasri and Fabregas we finished 4th with 68 points. With Nasri and Fabregas gone we finished 3rd with 70 points. With all three gone and a relatively new team put together in 2 seasons we have the potential of finishing with 75 points.

With RvP, Nasri and Fabregas we scored 72 goals in the league and conceded 43. With Nasri and Fabregas gone we scored 74 and conceded 49. With all three gone and a relatively new team put together in 2 seasons we have scored 65 goals and conceded 35 with 4 games left.

A better team (not squad) without them?

A better team (not squad) without them?

We currently have the same defensive record as the champions yet they have scored 13 more goals so it’s clear the difference is really RvP. Robin scored 30 goals for us last season with the next highest scorer on 8. We may not have a goalscorer of that calibre this season but we have an almost identical goals to games ratio and that is down to having a team that shares the goals rather than relying on one person. Our top four goalscorers have a combined 43 goals compared to the 50 from the top four in 2011/12. If you removed our top scorer this year we’d have 31 goals between the other 3. If you did the same in 2011/12 we’d have 20.

Robin has undeniably been the difference this season and with similar defensive records this season it could be argued that had he stayed it might have been a much closer race but that is something that can never be known. He’s gone, he’s won, we’ll clap, we’ll boo and then we’ll move on….. until the next time he comes to town when he’ll get booed again because that’s just how football is. It’s nothing to do with bitterness etc, it’s just how football works. A player leaves on bad terms, joins a rival, bad-mouths his ex-club or plays for a rival and is a bit of a tool then he gets booed.

Bit by bit Arsenal are making steps forward. They might be baby steps but as anyone who has kids will tell you, once they start taking those baby steps it’s not long before they are running all over the place and causing all sorts of trouble and worry. This Arsenal team still needs a few tweaks but lets look at the table at the end of the season and I mean properly look and once we compare the goals in and out columns we might be surprised as how little a difference there is between us and the champions defensively and how much a top-class goalscorer and never having a penalty given against you all season can make the difference (sorry couldn’t help myself ;)).

In the long-term we’ll see who was right and maybe, just maybe, he’ll live to regret moving on for his quick fix one-horse-race-no-competition-worst-league-ever title and wish he stayed true to the project and made some real history with the team he claimed to love. It’s down to Arsenal to make that happen and it starts with finishing in the top 3/4 so there can be no excuses for not spending this summer and making a real go of it next year.

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About "" - 509 Posts

I am a South London born Gooner now living in Leigh-On-Sea, Essex. I'm a husband, daddy, podcaster, trainer enthusiast and aspiring author. My work is my passion and for that I will always be grateful. Here is where I write my thoughts and views on Arsenal Football Club, the greatest team the world has ever seen.

4 Responses to “Update For RvP – Parody”

  1. What Robin Van Persie did was logical. Nobody wants to stay in some dingy hole where the sun doesn’t promise to rise. Those misers at Arsenal can dampen the spirit of teamwork and kill the ambitions of a vibrant player if he lets them. As for Van Persie, let him sail the tide. It’s all mankind got to do in this miserable career life. I’m an Arsenal fan but I’m not bitter for I know that accolades fit better when they’re affixed on trophies.

  2. Charles says:

    Kaydee, you’re behaving rationally like all the other Arsenal fans, me included. It’s true that we just don’t want to face facts. I’m not suprised.

  3. Nir says:

    Fantastically written Danielm loved those stats about goals scored with/without RVP n Nasri. He is gone, so RIP …RVP

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