Kroenke Takes More Money Out Of Arsenal

Greetings hominin lifeforms. I, Ted, have returned briefly from my one Ted mission to explore the Mariana Trench before that Punk James Cameron steals another one of my ideas.

I send you this epistle as I make the slow and arduous ascent to the surface in my one Ted sub, named “Satan’s Plunger” after something I heard on the Goonersphere Podcast because it shares the uncanny ability to plunge deeper into any aqueous crack known to man or Ted.

Arsenal held their AGM today which is usually an opportunity for everyday folk (via the AST and such) to ask questions to the management of our club however this time it was a diversion for something much more sinister.

You might be naive enough to believe AGM to be an initialism for Annual General Meeting however in this case it stands for Adroit Gooner Mugging. That’s right, whilst Gooners were preoccupied attending the AGM or following it on Twitter, Stan Kroenke was raiding the Arsenal bank accounts leaving nothing but dust, a few stray moustache hairs and an empty bag of Cheetos.

This travesty needs to be addressed immediately. Everyone knows Wotsits are better than Cheetos! But alas, we have not the time for this discussion as the little matter of our emptied coffers needs our attention.

You may be thinking Stan Kroenke was at the AGM today, you would, however, be mistaken. That was not Stan Kroenke, that was in fact a paid actor by the name of Gary Busey who has fallen on hard times and will take any gig he can. Next week, I am reliably informed, he will be parading as a fit-again Kim Jong-Un for the North Korean media and will cartwheel his way through Pyongyang.

Whilst the talented Mr Busey was bumbling an introduction to Mr Wenger before knocking one out under the table in and effort to keep biting his lip so his globally recognised teeth didn’t give the game away the real Stan Kroenke was pillaging the Arsenal accounts taking everything he could lay his hands on, including the Morrison’s saver tokens for the Under 11s Christmas treats!

Not content with the £3m he recently received for “consultancy services” and aptly dressed as the Hamburglar from McDonald’s and gleefully grinning like the bastard offspring of the Grinch and the Cheshire Cat, Enos Stanley Kroenke stuffed armfuls of cash into a hand-embroidered SWAG bag.

As Kroenke was escaping with the cash he knocked out two security guards and took a selfie of him tea-bagging the char-lady before uploading it to Instagram with the hashtags #IronySelfie #ShirleyLovesADoubleDip #Aha. The #Aha was because Poldi had managed to photobomb him.

Unable to stop this heinous crime as you cannot teleport underwater I sent the only person I could trust with such a mission, Gunnersaurus.

Catching up with Kroenke as he attempted to flee the country on his private jet, Gunnersaurus rugby tackled him to the ground and forced Kroenke’s thieving hand up his own rectum and turned him into his very own ventriloquists dummy.

Whilst Gunnersaurus paraded Stan around like a sock puppet from a sexual harassment in the workplace seminar the bags of cash were lifted from the scene by Daniel Levy whom I understand intends to use the cash to balance the Spurs books after he’s finished paying off all those managers he’s sacked. £100m should just about cover it.

Don’t worry fair Gooners, once my pod breaks the surface I shall hunt both of these bastards down and reign fiery teddy justice upon them with my furry friends.

Ted out.

Stay Cuddly.

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