Gooners Paradise – A Lyrical Disgrace

It’s been a while. In fact, it has been over a month since I last wrote something for North London Is Red and I had a huge epic piece planned but something happened to me last night and it gave birth to this post.

I’m not sure why I am opening myself up to ridicule like this but I had a dream about this blog. I don’t know why but I found myself humming “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio the other day and I woke up this morning with an almost complete “Arsenal” version that I had dreamt.

This is very different from what I would usually write and I’m still not sure why I am posting it but I can’t stop my fingers from typing! Please don’t judge me too harshly 😉

Dangerous Minds

Gooners Paradise

As I walk from the tube on my way to the game
I take a look at table and realise things aren’t the same
Cause we’ve been off the pace for so long,
Even when we win they say there’s something wrong
We ain’t never won a cup when we didn’t deserve it
Arsenal buying trophies up you know that’s unheard of
Beware the effect of what you’re doing, unsupporting and the booing
You might just drink the poison that you’re brewing
I really hate to trip but it’s got me worried
When Arsenal croak, I see Gooners in the pistol smoke, fool
City is a club the little Wobbies wanna be like
On their knees in the night saying prayers to the Sheikh-types

Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise

Look at the situation, path we are embracing
We can’t run a proper club, if we’re raised by the pocket pleats
So we gotta build up with a good team
Too much rebuilding, watching it pushing back our dreams
We had uneducated fools with money on their minds
Didn’t play for the cause and waved us goodbye
Pissed off Gooners, sharpening the hanger
They want to sack Wenger, misplacing all their anger, fool
Trophies ain’t nothing but a man or two away,
Choose to keep the faith, do or don’t, what can I say
10 to go, will we be in the top 4
The way reams are booing I don’t know

Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the boos are hurting Arsenal FC

Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise

Power and the money, money and the power
We could have both but the football would be dour
Backs against the wall, with only half of them replying
Culprits get away by case of sanctifying
Some really hate the gaffer, some players they abhor them
Calling themselves Gooners, Then why don’t they support them?
I guess they can’t, I guess they won’t
Even if we won they’d just put it down to luck, fool

Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Been spending most their lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise
Keep spending most our lives, living in the Gooners paradise

Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the boos are hurting Arsenal FC
Tell me why are we so blind to see
That the boos are hurting Arsenal FC

I know right…. You’re probably thinking “what the hell was that?”. To be honest with you, I really don’t know. It just sort of happened, forgive me.

I’m going to ask you to forgive me once more as I explain what some of the lyrics meant because I can already see some of the comments I’ll get and I want to pre-emptively respond to them.

You might just drink the poison that you’re brewing – I have long felt that the negative atmosphere at some games or ones that develop actually hinder the team. Players all say they perform better when the supporters are behind them. I believe that continued negativity will help to push the team further away from honours and champions league spots and into mid-table obscurity. This also gave birth to the line When Arsenal croak, I see Gooners in the pistol smoke.

City is a club the little Wobbies wanna be like, On their knees in the night saying prayers to the Sheikh-types – I guess this is quite self-explanatory. Some supporters want Arsenal to sell out and rely on a rich benefactor. I don’t.

If we don’t get a benefactor we’ll have to be out collecting 6 days a week

We can’t run a proper club, if we’re raised by the pocket pleats, So we gotta build up with a good team – We can’t rely on a benefactor so we have to live within our means. Sadly we haven’t been able to keep up with other teams due to our relatively low commercial income from deals made to facilitate the Emirates move. Over the years EPL sponsorship has improved dramatically and we have been unable to take advantage of it. However things are changing. We have a healthy bank balance and new deals kicking in and being negotiated. There are no more excuses so this summer should see a number of quality arrivals. I’m sure most are hoping for players like Götze and Falcao among others but I would prefer a few arrivals from the EPL.

I have blogged before on the importance of buying from the same league. It weakens your opponents by as much as it strengthens you, thus doubling the difference in strength/talent as we have seen from United this season with that Dutch bloke.

That said, only one of the players I am going to suggest would really weaken a “competitor”. I’m all for bringing in a new goalkeeper, have been for ages. I have mostly been in favour of bringing in an experienced keeper so as not to impede Szczesny but I feel I have been a little hypocritical there as I have previously said that we should buy the best we can and ignore “killing” younger players as if those players are good enough they will find a way into the team. Some rumours suggest that Valdes is looking for a new challenge and a player of that calibre and age would be perfect for me to protect the goal and jolly along Wojciech but I’m now more in favour of taking someone younger.

Dominant

Sadly we cannot have Joe Hart (who I like for his dominance a little more than his ability) to boost our British contingent so I would like Begovic. In my opinion, he is vastly superior to Szczesny and in the top 3 keepers in the league. I don’t think we have a snowball’s chance of getting him but he’d be my choice. Losing him would weaken Stoke but their average league position makes them of no consequence to our ambition but it might mean relegation (one can only dream).

I’d love to have Jagielka at the club and this would weaken a rival for the top 4. His arrival could see Vermaelen or Koscielny pushed into that DM role as suggest by others and whilst it’s not something I am totally against I would prefer them to stay in defence.

Other players in the premier league that have been linked with us that I’d take for talent and for knowledge of the league and thus like the others mentioned, the ability to make an immediate impact are Benteke, Williams, Michu (will never happen) and Schneiderlin (I admit to knowing nothing more about this chap than what I have seen on highlights and this blog from GoonerDave66)

A leader

If we’re not buying from the EPL this summer then apart from Falcao, Jovetic and maybe El Shaarawy I’d only want us to buy from the Bundesliga. I’d love to see Howedes (yes, over Hummels who I like but feel is slightly overrated), Piszczek, Rode, Adler and Großkreutz. I wouldn’t mind Kroos, Lewandowski, Reus and Müller but we’d have no chance. Enough of this dreaming, I’m starting to drool.

We had uneducated fools with money on their minds, Didn’t play for the cause and waved us goodbye – You know the ones. They wanted more money and left under the guise of trophies. If they were intelligent they would have realised that by leaving us they helped cause the situation of perpetual rebuilding. If they stay then new signings are for strength not for balance.

Pissed off Gooners, sharpening the hanger, They want to sack Wenger, misplacing all their anger – A hanger is a cutlass like sword in case you were wondering. It would be weird if people were sharpening coat-hangers. I also feel that anger towards Wenger is sometimes misplaced. Just my opinion.

You can’t put your coat on this

Culprits get away by case of sanctifying – There are some players who have been set apart from the others and have been absolved of all existing and future sin. They are untouchable and free from criticism. Others, however, are blamed for things that weren’t even their fault and this causes confidence issues when that player feels harangued by the support.

So there we are. My lyrical disgrace and weirdest post to date.

My apologies to you dear reader and my profound apologies to Mr Coolio.

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