Usmanov – Arsenal’s Golden Saviour

Greetings mortals. It is I, Ted, and I have returned with knowledge abound from the ethereal plains of the great Highbury in the sky.

As a frequenter of various dimensions and realms it is crucial I keep inter-dimensional channels of communication and information open so as to always be well-informed on all things Arsenal. One such channel is known to Earthlings as Twitter and it is a wondrous place filled with erudite empyrean entities who in their great wisdom and benevolence are willing to share their Arsenal related perspicacity.

Whilst fighting a demon badger in the Hell dimension of Swindon my portable communication device alerted me to sapient messages from beyond, stealing away my attention from the badger who managed to avoid my deathblow and escaped my wrath… for now. But alas, my rare combat mishap notwithstanding, this is a time to share knowledge of Arsenal not regale you with awe-inspiring tales of my incredible adventures and battles.

Ken Knot Yon – Demon Badger

The distracting messages that allowed the demon badger to escape came via my hotline to the powers that be, also know as my Twitter timeline. It was there I was bathed in the light of a thousand angels and ensconced with the warmth of a brighter future. The message that was delivered unto me was talk of a saviour, a messiah, a being of great wealth and power to bring about the ruination of all that stands in its way as it rises from the ashes of Arsenal failures like a phoenix from the flame and builds a new world order of red and white upon the bones of our enemies.

This gift from the almighty himself is none other than Alisher Usmanov and he is here to save Arsenal.

The angel song that filled my ears and my heart told of a new golden era for Arsenal – an era that was written in the stars and has been there for all to see from the dawn of time if only they took the time to look.

Alisher Usmanov has the initials AU they told me. AU is the chemical symbol for gold. Only Arsenal have a gold Premier League trophy. You cannot make this sh*t up. (Of course you can. I am)

It is clear to those empyrean souls of “realism” that success cannot be achieved without the backing of a billionaire who is willing to spend money on the club. Usmanov, despite claiming he would issue dividends to shareholders, is not one to take money out of a club whereas the devil incarnate, Stan Kroenke, plans to bleed Arsenal dry and leave the fans as piles of exsanguinated flesh and goop; much as he has done with all of his other sports enterprises.

Usmanov is the man to take us forward as with him and his ability to pass golden eggs from his diamond encrusted anus we will finally be able to pay big money for a player. We might even be able to spend £40m plus on a player. Something, the Twitter angels inform me, can never be possible whilst Kroenke is the majority stakeholder.

As if I needed more proof of their knowledge and power the Empyreans bestowed a vision upon me in the form of clues so I would see the Beelzebub Kroenke for what he really is.

Saviour to the left, Devil to the right

I have spent many candlelit hours deciphering ancient texts to piece the clues together and here are my conclusions.

Stan Kroenke has the initials SK which on the periodic table make up Sulphur and Potassium which have the numbers 16 and 19. Aaron Ramsey and Santi Cazorla wear 16 & 19 respectively, their initials are AR and SC. Ar and Sc are the chemical symbols for Argon and Scandium which are represented by the numbers 18 and 21. 18 and 21 combined equals 39. 3+9 = 12. 12 is a multiple of 6. Six on the periodic table is carbon. Carbon makes charcoal. Charcoal + Potassium + Sulphur makes gunpowder. Gunpower explodes. Kroenke plans to blow up Arsenal!

Gunpowder also fuels cannons which is also on the Arsenal crest but I think it’s a bit of a stretch to think Kroenke is here for the good of Arsenal, don’t you?

You may be thinking that Kroenke’s first name is actually Enos but the powers guided me through that minefield too. Enos is an anagram of nose. Noses smell. So Kroenke smells. Who wants an owner who smells?

Also, Enos Stanley Kroenke is an anagram of Ensnare Yokel Tokens which sounds like he is after our money. It also is an anagram of A Skeleton Reek Sonny which just sounds weird but worst of all it is an anagram of Releases Ken Knot Yon. Ken Knot Yon is the name of that demon badger b*stard that got away. He’s dangerous.

What more proof do you need humans? Kroenke is bad news and Usmanov is our saviour.

Or at least that’s what I think the angels were saying. I got a little bored and started looking up pictures of kittens on the internet.

Cute

Stay cuddly. Ted out.

@ArsenalTed

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