Tears For Piers Morgan

Hello there kind creatures of the online realms of Arsenal. My name is Arsenal Ted and I am here on NorthLondonIsRed to talk about the big issues. The issues that truly matter to our great club and the recidivists that follow it.

My first ever topic is about a man held in such great esteem Arsenal fans are holding a whip-round to help dear Piersy achieve his dream of being the first Gooner to be launched into The Great Red Spot on Jupiter.

It brings me no pleasure to tell you that our greatest fan, the man who single-handedly brought Mesut Özil to the club through a mixture of daily vituperation towards Arsène Wenger and overt sexual advances towards the boardroom of Real Madrid in an attempt to get them to release his registration, has been sacked from his job as TV Bullshit Monkey on CNN.

Having spent so long telling Wenger how to do his job and commenting on social issues he didn’t have a single fucking clue about, it was a real shock to lose his job because of poor ratings.

It is uncertain what Piers will do next should his ambition of being chief advisor to Wenger and official club transfer negotiator – because he knows so much about how to sign decent players – not come to fruition so I have taken some time away from my afternoon of watching back to back episodes of Balamory with @Lordhillwood and @SheWore to offer some advice to Piers on alternative careers. Here are 15 jobs I think he could do.

• Cleaner at a “Blue Movie” Theatre. Piers has so much experience in cleaning up “gentlemen’s deposits” after a night of masturbatory glee at his oh-so-insightful tweets about how Arsenal should be run, this job should be second nature.
• Thermometer tester. Working in hospitals around the country manually testing used thermometers to tell if they are of the oral or rectal variety before they are sanitised and put away.
• Portable toilet cleaner. He so used to the smell of the shit that comes out of his mouth he will be immune to the fetid and noxious environment.
• Ron Burgundy impersonator – Piers thinks he’s a pretty big deal
• Fluffer. Fluffers are employed in the porn industry to keep the male performers aroused during takes. Being a massive cock himself and able to keep his own ego inflated, Piers should have no trouble performing this role.
• Elephant researcher – see picture

Could Piers even fit his head up there?

• Sumo-costume-adjuster. Those big nappies ride up and they don’t come down on their own.
• Food chewer for toothless, flatulent cats.
• Dildo quality control officer. Manual testing of the “Mandingo” range.
• Refuse collector in reclaimed crack dens.
• Test dummy for trainee-proctologists.
• Maggot farmer.
• Esthetician (removing puss from spots).
• Piers Morgan parody – he does a pretty good job of that already.
• Target stabiliser for the “Blind Shotgun Enthusiasts Association”. This would would involve holding targets up and ringing a bell so the shooters know where to aim. Roughly.

Okay, so most of those jobs involve some sort of excrement or bodily secretion but having looked at Piers’ work history and Twitter feed it seems shit and Piers go hand in hand. Figuratively and literally.

What other jobs do you think he could do? Let me know by leaving a comment.

Stay cuddly.

Arsenal Ted

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