Profile Of Arsenal’s New Defensive Midfielder

Greetings Earth dwellers. I, Ted, have returned once again to the glorious cyber tower of NLIR and bring news of an Arsenal transfer.

The purchase of Krystian Bielik from Legia Warsaw is not new news however the circumstances in which this transfer came to be has not been reported in mainstream media and as the bridge between the mortal and ethereal realms I feel it is my duty to sporadically visit your dimension to spew forth erudition.

By now many of you will know that Bielik’s surname translates as “Bald Eagle” and it is this moniker on which I am scribing this elaboration.

The sobriquet of Bald Eagle was bestowed upon our young Polish friend after a journey of discovery and fate that has led him to the doors of Arsenal.

Born Krystian Szmith on a cold December morning some 73 years ago our new midfielder was a talented Jazz artist who yearned to turn his talents to humanitarian issues and bring peace and learning to the world through complex scat melodies.

In the late 1960s Krystian travelled to India where he spent 4 months living in an Ashram with a Yogi named Simajeet The Penetrator who set him on the path to enlightenment and rebirth.

After a week long opioid trance Krystian was taught the art of self-fellatio by Simajeet who had perfected the art in his youth by forcefully breaking 4 of his own ribs. The Great Penetrator, Simajeet The Rimartist, as he coerced the villagers into calling him by kidnapping family members and sacrificing domestic pets attempted to convince Krystian the best way to learn self-fellatio was to first practice it on one another.

Krystian refused on 19 separate occasions to service the rapacious Yogi, who he had discovered had worn his own member into what could only be described as a button mushroom in a toupee, and often had to stop him spooning him at night-time.

One particular incident which involved  a tulip, a copy of the radio times and a jar of Robertson’s silver shred led to Krystian leaving the Ashram forever. Before he left the embarrassed Yogi offered him one final piece of advice on the proviso he would never utter the truth of that shameful night. Yogi Sim told him that the final path to rebirth and joy would be to seek out the dwarf king, Jokkweefa and destroy him.

Szmith traversed barren lands and witnessed destitution of the likes which he had never seen before arriving at the border of the land of Jokkweefa – Cohroneri.

He past many taverns full of lusty red-nosed men and hairy one-toothed wenches and vice dens which advertised “Grehvy delight”. His eyes averted he pressed on and soon came to a stop at the home of the dwarf king where a neon light with the dwellings name hung aggressively at a jaunty angle some 4 feet off the ground.

“Welcome tae New Piebury, noo git tae f*ck unless yeh bring grehvy or spuds”

Krystian knelt down at the door and knocked loudly three times. A muffled voice sounded from within “this better be a boat’o grehvy or a shapely female podcaster or I’ma rip some shitting throats oot. I were enjoying that documentary on puppy torture the wee bastarts wi’ their cute faces and loveable demeanors the shits”

The door flung open and there stood what Krystian mistook to be a potato in an overly tight t-shirt covered in brown stains.

“Who the f*ck are yoo longshanks” demanded the potato.

“I am Krystian Szmith and I am here to challenge the Jokkweefa to a duel to the death, are you…”

Before Krystian could finish his question the potato had launched himself at him in a frenzied attack. “I’ll f*cking end ye, yeh long streak of pish”

The battle was furious and at first the ferocity of the potato’s attack gave him the upper hand. Overcoming the initial shock at being assaulted by a tuber Krystian put his superior reach to work and humiliated the potato by holding him at arms length whilst the murphy swiped desperately and violently at the air exerting so much effort that he crumpled to the floor grasping at his chest and breathing shortly.

“Yeh have defeated the great, mighty, tall and definitely not fat Jokkweefa and ye have earned the divine right to the knowledge and ability of rebirth but your journey isn’t over yet. Ye must journey to the red mountain and converge with the great Raul and Cowman who will pass on their power” the potato muttered weakly.

With an incoherent gargling noise and a great deal of flatulence the potato slipped out of consciousness never to awaken again.

Many years passed in Krystian’s quest to find the red mountain made longer by his insistence of helping those along the way (a TV series of these adventures has been commissioned by Channel 5).

It is at this point I fast forward as I am certain you do not wish to hear a detailed account of his life as a salsa dancing crime-fighter in 1980’s Miami.

Reaching his 72nd year and close to giving up on finding the Red Mountain and the great Raul and Cowman he met a Giant Hispanic Leprechaun by the name of Greene Bantern who told him he had been searching for him for many years as he left too soon after defeating Jokkweefa and had he stayed around he would have borne witness to the reading of the last will and testament of Jokkweefa which included detailed instructions on how to reach the Red Mountain – which happened to be through a secret door in a portaloo out the back of Leigh Delamare services.

Within days of meeting the Greene Bantern Krystian found himself face to face with the deities he had been seeking for so many decades.

“Oh great and powerful beings, I come here as the vanquisher of the Jokkweefa and student of the great Yogi Simarjit to claim the power of rebirth”

Two beings of immense radiance, barely somatic, made of vapour and light floated before him flanked by their corporeal protectors – the Teds.

Knowledge emanated from them like warmth from a fire and power resonated in their booming voice as they spoke as one.

“You have come far traveller. Tell us why you seek the power of avian metempsychosis.”

“I seek the power to bring peace and justice to the world”

“Your intentions are honourable and your heart is pure. You spurned the advances of the Yogi and remained clean. You defeated the ground dweller Jokkweefa. You have earned your reward. This power comes with a price. You will be transported to a time predetermined by the hand of fate and there you will make your stand in your quest for peace and justice. Choose your spirit bird”

“My spirit bird?”

“The power you sought for so long is channelled through a spirit bird. The spirit bird you choose will determine what you are to become. We are the Glorious Turd Phoenix destined to rise through the festering piles of homogeneous waste and ubiquity to rain originality upon the world and nurture the seeds of imagination.”

“I get it. What are my choices”

“Your options soar before you. Choose wisely. Will you be the Obese Falcon? The Bald Eagle? Or will you choose the Gimpy Pigeon?”

Krystian let a mere nanosecond pass before desperately calling “Bald Eagle, definitely the Bald Eagle”.

“You have chosen the path of the defensive midfielder. You will be a messiah to those who have long awaited your arrival. You will have your detractors but in time you will lead them into the promised land. You start life at 17 and under the watchful tutelage of our greatest apostle, Arsène Wenger. Go forth Krystian Bald Eagle”.

And there you have it. The story of how Bielik came to be and why he joined Arsenal.

Ted out.

Stay cuddly.

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