Mesut Özil Ate My Gerbil

Hello fine people of Earth. It is I, Ted, and I am back to regale you with my wonderful words, stories and Arsenal anecdotes. I had hoped to bring a large amount of humour with me today and tell you a wonderful story about the time Gav from SheWore took me to the Torture Garden to learn how to dance the Fandango with Madame Whiplash (aka Geoff) but there are more pressing issues to attend to.

It is with a heavy heart and a great deal of trouble (I have paws) I write this latest story. It has come to my attention that there is a great uproar on social media over the treatment of Mesut Özil with prominent journalists being subjected to a tirade of abusive remarks.

Most of the upset has been caused by a post labelling Mesut Özil a £42.5m flop who is stealing a living. There are circumstances that would give that article context that due to a court ordered injunction had to be omitted. As I am a bear of epic awesomeness and do not recognise the laws of man I am in no danger of repercussion by telling you the whole sorry story.

The article written by Neil Trashton of the Daily Fail was in fact a reactionary article due to an unfortunate incident that happened at the Arsenal hotel on Monday night.

After a night of drugged fuelled whore-mongering with Olivier Giroud (I have it on good authority that Mesut and Olly were popping Pez like there was no tomorrow), Mesut kicked in the hotel room door of travelling journalist, Neil Trashton, and demanded the inhabitant cockalorum make him a sandwich.

When Neil, angered at being awoken so rudely without even a vague hint towards a reach-around, refused to make Mesut a sandwich the Arsenal football star marched past the bleary-eyed reporter, pausing slightly to slap Trashton across the face with his engorged member, ripped open the door of Trashton’s Gerbil travel-cage and proceeded to take awkward bites out of the squealing rodent.

Özil consumed the entire gerbil in 4 rabid mouthfuls and fixed Neil with a creepy and unbroken stare as he masticated the poor creature in front of his devastated owner.

“He just stared at me with those googly eyes as he chewed on Humphrey’s legs.”

Describing the incident to me, I see the tears fill Neil’s eyes. It is clearly very hard for him to talk about it.

He just stared at me with those googly eyes as he chewed on Humphrey’s legs. He looked manic and I could tell he was aroused. Hearing him squealing in pain and not being able to help him, as I was badly concussed because of Mesut’s incredible member, is something I will always regret and will always haunt me.

Humphrey

Traumatised by the horrific loss of his furry little friend it is understandable that Trashton went out of his way to sully the reputation of Özil in any way he could.

Humphrey was my friend, you know? We went everywhere together. I told him everything, all my thoughts, all my secrets. He was my rock. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can still hear his wheel squeaking as though he is having a midnight jaunt.

Unable to tell the truth about Özil, Neil was thankful the German had an off night against Bayern.

I needed to avenge Humphrey. People can’t mess with my pets and get away with it, as AVB found out when he sat on my duck, Lord Fotherington, and tried to blame it on Harry Redknapp. I knew I couldn’t scathe Özil if he had a decent game, people would know I was just being vindictive, so I was so glad he played badly. It really enabled me to go to town on him.

“I like to think Humphrey was repeating on him”

So what did Trashton hope to achieve from this article. It was hardly going to bring Humphrey back or protect the rodent kingdom from Özil. I asked him if he felt satisfied with the response.

I do feel some grim satisfaction. Mesut playing badly was some comfort. I like to think Humphrey was repeating on him and that’s why he played so badly. Obviously I’ll sell more papers and get more clicks from this article but ideally it will hit a nerve with enough people so he gets the Gervinho treatment. That would be justice.

I’m sure most readers will now understand why Neil did what he did and will rally behind him. Özil is likely to get away with this horrendous murder and it won’t be the first time either.

I can exclusively reveal that Özil’s thirst for rodent blood did not start with Humphrey. A source close to the player told me he refuses to even get on the team bus without a trail of dormice to his seat. Santi Cazorla has been put into the protective custody of Per Mertesacker as Özil keeps confusing him for a Guinea Pig. Jack Wilshere has broken his promise to his children of getting them a hamster, instead opting for the safer choice of a Lynx.

The choice of Real Madrid to sell the most effective no.10 in the world to Arsenal seemed like a strange one last summer but when I discovered the real reason was related to Özil’s demoniac lust for rodentia the decision made perfect sense. London has many rats but even that does not seem to satisfy Mesut’s urges.

Florentino Pérez pushed through the sale of Özil against the wishes of some of the Madrid first team because he found his grief for the loss of his squirrel, Sebastian, to the depths of Mesut’s stomach too much to bear. Özil, in one of his hungry frenzies, had broken into the President’s office and devoured Sebastian in messy fashion.

Mesut Özil is a fiend and a b*stard who deserved everything Neil Trashton wrote about him. Lock up your rodents.

Stay cuddly. Ted out.

@ArsenalTed

Thanks for reading! Please comment on this post, subscribe by email, share with friends and check out the official NLIR Facebook page http://facebook.com/northlondonisredblog for news, views, freebies and more. 

Don’t forget to tune into the funniest Arsenal podcast around “Goonersphere Podcast“