Arsenal To Announce Elneny, Here’s What You Need To Know About Him

Greetings human people of the faith of Arsenal born under the light of Bergkamp. It is I, Ted, and I return from my successful attempt to grow bananas on Venus. If Matt ****ing Damon thinks he can best me he’ll have to do better than ****ing potatoes. Anyhoo…. I have returned from my inter-planetary solitude to bring you news of the transfer variety.

Arsenal have all but secured a January move for Basel midfielder Mohamed Elneny to add much needed depth to an injury ravaged squad. To a point the Gunners have done well to maintain a lofty position on the Premier League table but our venerable manager has decided reinforcements is the order of the New Year.

Many have been stumped by the choice of target, with the majority veraciously unaware of Elneny before the story hit the tabloids. Fear not, the omniscient Ted is here to tell you everything you need to know about this future Arsenal star.

Elneny was born in the Welsh seaside resort of Rhyl in 1941 to Vietnamese mother Qui, a waterways engineer, and Icelandic father Skellir, a world renowned otter whisperer.

His parents met when Skellir was a consultant on the rehoming of some rather foul-mouthed otters who were obstinately refusing to leave their Meliden waterside home and take residence in a council house in Deeside.

With the Europe at war archaeology enthusiast Skellir took his young family to Egypt where he could engage his passion and his family would be away from the horrendous sight of a sh!thole like Rhyl. It was in 1947 in Egypt that Skellir, along with his 12 year old son, Mohamed Elneny, discovered a portal to another world.

In this world poor Elneny was possessed by a devious alien, Roman Abramovich, who went by the phonetic of his initials. He was forced to do unspeakable evils before he was saved by James Spader.

Ripping his mind and soul free from the clutches of Ra, Elneny found his way back through the Stargate before a nuclear device was detonated. He landed in Brentwood in the 2000s and set about rebuilding his life. He enrolled in the Jamie Oliver school of cuisine and crusading where he learnt to give pukka speeches on obesity whilst flogging triple chocolate desserts for £9 a pop. He excelled particularly at baking so entered the Great British Bake Off where in the final Mary Berry described his winning creation as “the best damned peach and parsnip cobbler I’ve ever f*cking tasted”.

After a successful career presenting Saturday morning cooking shows, Mohamed decided to try his hand at his greatest passion…. however, after failing to make it as a back up dancer on tour with Miley Cyrus he opted for a career in WWE where he went by the stage name “The Bishop’s Finger”.

After unifying the belts and fighting off accusations of listening to Ke$ha he retired from professional wrestling and migrated to Belgium to sign a professional football contract with Basel where he caught the attention of Arsène Wenger.

Elneny is quoted in the Metro as turning down bigger offers from other clubs such as Barnsley, Chelsea and Forest Green Rovers to join Arsenal. He cited the draw of playing under Tony Pulis in 2017 as a big factor in his move.

Here are some little know facts about Elneny:

• Elneny is the world record holder for how many square batteries he could lick without passing out. His record is an impressive 762.
• He is the choreographer responsible for the sensational dancing in the video for Drake’s “Hotline Bling”.
• After an unfortunate incident involving an alpaca, a slice of Gouda cheese, a bottle of Johnson’s baby oil and an inebriated member of parliament Elneny is now banned from Intu Lakeside.
• He once wrote the Magna Carta in Elvish and attempted to break into Downing Street and force Samantha Cameron to read it dressed as Miss Piggy.
• Elneny is the worlds foremost authority on why sweetcorn comes out the same way it went in.

I bet you can’t wait to see him in Arsenal colours! As Europe’s leading expert on Elneny I can exclusively reveal that everything in this article is factually accurate.

Stay cuddly, Ted out.

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