Sanogo: I’ll Be Better Than Messi

By Arsenal Ted
In Arsenal
Nov 27th, 2014

Greetings my venerable friends. It is I, Ted, and I am here to enthral you with a tale of my latest adventure. I had originally planned to bring you an account of my recent battle and heroic victory against the minions of the underworld armed only with some contraband Lebkuchen and pound shop tinsel – it is a thrilling story but I have been urged to keep this football related.

Instead of tales of my gallantry I instead bring you details of the aftermath of the once apocryphal event of a Yaya Sanogo goal.

Last night we all bore witness to a magical event where the planets aligned and mythical powers were bestowed upon our young French striker and he expertly placed the sphere of destiny into the Dortmund goal. It was a moment of monument, an event seared into memory and a worthy recipient of a “where were you when” accolade.

I met with Yaya after the match as I had arranged prior to his goal as he was due to return my box set of Thundercats he had borrowed in the summer and which I am certain was the inspiration for his four goals in the Emirates Cup.

It was unusually difficult to locate him after the match as not only did I have to fight through a hoard of autograph hunters led by prominent bloggers – SheWore, Dave Seager and Tim Stillman – I then had to rip open Yaya’s car door which he had unwittingly sealed from the inside as he fapped incessantly to a vine of his goal. I don’t know how many car doors you have ripped off in your time, as a bear of much renown and warrior of high-repute I have torn open many, but let me tell you, it’s not easy tearing off a door from a 1981 Renault Fuego with a centimetre of viscous man-adhesive.

Rescuing Yaya from his adoring fans, and mostly himself, I offered to walk him home as his car would need to dry out before he attempted to drive it again and I wouldn’t have trusted him changing gear with his severely weakened wrist. Yaya told me he had lent my box set to Debuchy as he thought it had magical healing powers due to Giroud declaring himself fit after watching 3 episodes at Yaya’s house. I’ll admit I was angry – I hate people lending out stuff I have lent to them – but I held back my anger and politely asked he retrieve it at his soonest convenience.

I asked Yaya how he felt scoring his first goal and if it was a relief. He told me he was pleased to have got off the mark and expressed his belief that this goal would be a catalyst for many future goals. He told me he was pleased it came in the Champions League as well as now he was just 73 goals behind Messi and it wouldn’t be long before he overtook the Argentinian.

Sanogo spoke highly of Messi, declaring him the GOAT. He said soon people would realise that he was the better player though and that Wenger had told him he was the BOAT and that BOATs are better than GOATs because GOATs get milked and eaten and you cannot eat a BOAT. BOATs, Wenger told him, float whereas GOATs do not float. BOATs, he said, are used to gloat, and GOATs are used to make coats. A GOAT can’t cross a moat but a BOAT can, he finished. Thankfully he ran out of rhyming words once we had reached his door otherwise I might have rethought my waiver of retribution for lending out my stuff.

Yaya invited me inside for a cup of coffee made from beans he had personally collected from the foothills of the Himalayas and told me he hoped to start against West Brom and continue his hot streak. However, he explained, he would not be short of activities should Wenger pick Welbeck ahead of him. Apart from consulting for NASA and lecturing on neurosurgery he told me he planned to perform experimental eye surgery on himself as he kept inadvertently impregnating passers-by just by looking at them.

This rodomontade carried on into the small hours which I tolerated because we are such good friends – well, to be honest, I am his only friend but if he keeps on scoring he might just earn himself a few more.

Ted out.

Stay cuddly.

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About "" - 11 Posts

Teddy Bear Gooner. Misanthrope. Lover of fine cheeses and fish suppers. Hates trousers. Purveyor of recalcitrance. Prone to profane outbursts and seemingly random acts of violence. I see weird things others don't.

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